


Hot Dog Scented Capes

by Mystery_Name



Series: USM One-Shots [3]
Category: Ultimate Spider-Man (Cartoon 2012)
Genre: Ava Ayala has better things to do, Danny Rand is a little shit but he keeps it hidden, De-aging, Funny, Gen, Loki is tearing shit up, Luke didn't sign up for this, Magic, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Sam Alexander is a little shit, The authors attempts at humor, Thor doesn't know whats going, kid!Peter, kid!Spider-Man, magic spells, so naturally the Ulimates step in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:35:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29729127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystery_Name/pseuds/Mystery_Name
Summary: Peter and his team were supposed to be out having a relaxing day from SHIELD training, but of course, all those plans are trashed when Loki decides to start tearing up New York. Peter just hopes Loki doesn't do any voodoo magic on him again.(Spoiler alert: he does)
Relationships: Peter Parker & Danny Rand & Ava Ayala & Sam Alexander & Luke Cage
Series: USM One-Shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111907
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	Hot Dog Scented Capes

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot it probably set around season 1 or 2, not from any particular episode. Just a fun little thing.
> 
> Enjoy!

Hunting down a crazy god of mischief on a warm Saturday afternoon was not the kind of fun Peter Parker had in mind when he and the rest of the Ultimates decided to take a day off from SHIELD training.

Not. At. _All_.

What he pictured was a lot more chill and relaxing, maybe catching a movie, or carbo-loading some poor diner out of their food and leaving the bill on Tony Stark's tab. But, no. What to know what he got? A tantruming Norse god with a sparkly scepter and green cape that smelled oddly of hot-dogs.

Not that Peter spent his time sniffing Loki's cape, mind you, because that would be weird. He just happened to get slapped in the face with it a lot while fighting and made the full observation (piece of advice: stick to the front of Loki when exchanging attacks. Getting a mouthful of hot-dog tainted Asgardian cloth is not as fun as it sounds)

But fragranced bed-sheets aside, Peter wanted nothing more than to call up one Asgardian thunder god and be like, " _Hey Thor, my man of thunder, lightning of my life, would you mind flying on down to Broadway and picking up your crazy, bro? Us puny mortals would prefer not to get turned into farm animals today, thank you."_

Unfortunately, despite Peter's many attempts to weasel it out of Tony, he didn't have Thor's number on speed-dial, if the man had a phone at all. So he was stuck hoping Thor happened to glance at a news channel and see his little brother being a nuisance. Or better yet, sense it with his godliness: * _gasp* My Asgardian senses are tingling! Norse trouble is nearby. Perhaps Loki...I must go!_

If only right.

But until that unlikely conclusion, Peter was stuck avoiding beams of mystic magic and annoying the hell out of Loki until Thor got the message and hustled his Norse butt down there. To be fair, that was Peter's go-to strategy whenever he was waiting on SHIELD.

"So, Loki," Peter said, landing on top of a car to the side of the god, his head resting in his hands. "What did Broadway do to bring down your wrath? Were they sold out of "Smokey Joe's Cafe" tickets?"

Loki smiled at him with the friendliness of a starved wolf and Peter's spider sense gave him a helpful pap on the brain, just in case he didn't remember how much Loki despised him.

"Spider-Man," he shifted the point of his scepter so it was parallel to Peter's chest. "I have no time for your childish games. Unless you'd like to be a smoking crater in this street, I suggest you crawl back to whatever hole you got out of and leave me be." The tip of the scepter glowed menacingly, as if to emphasize his threat, which was a bit overkill in Peter's opinion.

Peter, held his hands up close to his chest, wide-eyed. "Whoa, easy there your horned-ness, I was just swinging by to say hi. I forgot how prickly you are, geez." His spider-sense spiked and he dodged a beam of green magic, ending up upside down on a street-lamp, looking at the smoking roof of the car he'd been on.

"Oooh," he gasped, "destroying another person's property? You fiend! I hope you're paying for that _Logi_ , the American insurance system is already shit and we don't need anymore collateral. Huh, now that we're on the topic, what's Asgard currency like?"

Loki growled and raised his scepter again, but any shot he intended to get off was interrupted by a blast of blue light and Nova laughed as he zoomed onto the street, knocking Loki into a mailbox across the street. He was followed by White Tiger, Iron Fist and Powerman.

"5 minutes in and he already wants to kill you," Ava said, leaning against the pole Peter was still hanging from,, "Telling lame jokes isn't going to stop him, you know. Or avoid property damage for that matter."

"Yeah, well, you guys need to master a quicker costume change." Peter retorted snidely. "Also, you don't know that. One of these days a bad guy is going to hear one of my jokes and just give himself over without a fight."

Sam laughed where he was hovering next to Peter, "They already do that, Bug-Breath. Your jokes are bad enough to get any criminal crying and turning themselves in. Some heroes too."

Peter looked up at Sam in all seriousness, "Puns can be dangerous."

Luke snorted, "Only when they're coming from you, Webs." Peter glared at him. "Oh, and Deadpool. Definitely Deadpool too." Peter glared harder and whispered, "Traitor," before turning to Iron Fist, "You're on my side, right Fist?"

Danny shrugged, "Picking sides plants the seeds of chaos and argument, perhaps we should _try_ to avoid that today," the others blinked at him. "Also, your jokes can be dangerous. Wield your power with wisdom, my friend."

Peter smirked, dropping from the pole just so he could swing his arm across Danny's shoulders and point at him triumphantly,. "See, Fist is on my side."

The other two rolled their eyes, but when they turned away, Peter leaned into Iron Fist and whispered, "Uh, you did just pick my side right?"

Iron Fist smiled, "Sure dude."

Peter beamed, "I always knew you were my favorite."

Ava rolled her eyes, "Guys, Loki. Broadway. Stop him - remember? Maybe a little less," she looked at Peter who was draping himself over Danny now, " _that,_ and more fighting."

"Such violence, such chaos," Peter chided, but obediently scanned the area for where Loki snuck off to.. He spotted the Asgardian farther down the street, once again going trigger-happy with his scepter. Thankfully, the streets were already almost deserted, because as New Yorkers this was kind of a normal thing, so only a few pedestrians were still running around panicking - all of them tourists, Peter realized.

"Guys, he's that way. Let's go."

"Yeah, cause we couldn't spot the magic wielding maniac ourselves," Ava muttered, but they all took off running after him.

"Come on, you know you love me."

"I tolerate you. Fury's rants about your so-called "shenanigans" are purely for my entertainment."

"Me- _ouch_ ," Sam commented and Ava glared at him. Cat jokes were not appreciated.

"We can discuss my totally valid shenanigans later," Peter said. "For now, Loki needs some serious-DUCK!"

"He needs some serious duck? Your quips have gotten worse, Webs," Sam said, shaking his head, before being rudely interrupted by a flying car. The human rocket screamed loudly as he and the car hit the opposite building, and then both crashed on the street together. Peter shot his teammates a deadpanned and shot two webs to either side of the car and yanked it off. He ran up and crouched next to the fallen teen.

"Duck, Nova," Peter stated factually. "As in _MOVE_."

"Yep, thanks for the tip. A little late though" Sam groaned as he slumped on his back with a weak thumbs up. "Urhhhh..."

Peter rolled his eyes but grabbed Sam's shoulders and carefully hoisted him back to his feet. Sam swayed and looked around dizzily. "Why is everything spinning?"

Peter winced, "Uh, perhaps that bucket of yours hit that building a little too hard. Hey, how many fingers am I holding up?" he lifted up three fingers. Nova looked at Peter's hand, squinted, glared and thenleaned forward.

"Uh...two? Three and a half?"

"Um, close enough," Peter said. "Can you still fight without throwing up? Do I need to call Fury?"

Sam shook his head a few times, and then blinked hard, before straightening up. "All good," he said, "Didn't feel a thing."

Peter raised an eyebrow. "Is that a fact?"

"Come on Webs, stop mother-henning me! My helmet healed my right up, willy nilly, now let's go, we have a Norse theater kid to fight!" With that, Sam soared back into the fight between Loki, Luke, Ava and Danny.

"Mother-henning isn't a word!" Peter shouted after him, but followed nonetheless. Loki was blocking projectiles of debris thrown by Luke with his magic while shooting blasts of green energy at Danny and Ava with his opposite hand. Peter flipped in front of Loki, shooting globs of webbing at the god's feet until a thick layer secured him to the ground. Loki growled, but it was more out of annoyance than anything.

"Heh, look what I caught in my web." Peter laughed. "A snobby Norse god who smells like hotdogs. Consider this payback for turning me into a pig!"

Loki sneered at him and opened his mouth, probably to insult him, but paused. A thought seemed to cross his mind and a cruel smile crept on his face. "Hmm, I suppose I _was_ needing a guinea pig for this new spell of mine. A spider will do just as well."

Peter's spider-sense tingled. "Uh...as _'fun'_ as that sounds, my mom said I'm not allowed to get cursed by magic anymore, so I'm going to have to pass. Nova, anytime now!"

Loki looked up, only to get a mouth-full of Sam's fist. He grunted as he was thrown into a car. Nova landed next to Peter with his arms crossed and a victorious smile on his face, "Boo-ya!".

"I wouldn't 'boo-ya' just yet insolent mortal!" Loki snapped and set his glowing eyes on Peter and Sam. That was never good. The god muttered something under his breath in Norse, and his scepter glowed brighter, but it was more of a yellow than green this time. Peter's head rippled with danger.

"Consider this payback for all you've done." Loki snarled.

"Nova, move!" Peter shouted and shoved his teammates aside just as a giant ball of energy shot from the scepter and slammed into him, square in the chest. Peter flew back into a building, busting completely through the wall and out of sight.

"SPIDEY!" Sam shouted, bolting into the sky and trying to look in the building for any sign of the other boy. When he saw nothing he whirled around, the nova force pulsing angrily, "What did you do?" He zoomed closer, fists clenched, "YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!"

Loki laughed and shot a pile of car scraps and debris at Sam, which he narrowly dodged. Ava roared fiercely and lunged for the god, but Loki saw her coming and sidestepped. But Ava regained her bearings and whirled around, striking Loki in the chest. Luke took the opening to grab Loki from behind, but Loki turned and grabbed him instead and threw him into Ava. The two teens collided and hit the pavement.

"Now, hold still." Loki snapped, aiming his scepter at the two, "and it'll be over quickly."

Before he could attempt anything, a flash of gold light erupted behind Loki and he was suddenly thrown with a surprised " _oomph_!", his scepter tumbling a few feet from him. Danny stood in front of him, fists glowing, "Attack one of us and you attack us all." he said. "Stand down Loki, and we won't be forced to call in the big guns."

Loki's face pinched in annoyance, "You puny little-" he growled, "Who in this city can bring down-" a crack of thunder cut him off and Loki pales. .

"Loki, brother, up to your tricks as alway." Thor boomed, landing on the pavement as Loki scrambled back a considerable distance, glaring up at the Prince of Asgard.

"Thor," he spat the name as if it tasted of week-old milk.

Thor frowned, "lWhy have you come back to Midgard, Loki? Hasn't it suffered enough at your hand?"

"Not nearly as much as it should," Loki retorted. "And not as much as it will when I-" he reached for his scepter but patted empty ground. "What?" he did a 360. "Where-"

"Looking for this," Nova said, clutching the scepter in his hands.

Loki's face was a mask of surprise that twisted into one of anger. "You insolent, low-down little-"

"Alas, Loki, I'm afraid I cannot stand for this any longer," Thor interrupted, "You shall come with me and face Asgard and Midgard justice."

"Not likely," Loki snarled. He shouted a Norse spell and the scepter flew from Nova's hand and into his outstretched one. "I hadn't planned on these Earthlings interfering

, so I'm afraid my wrath will have to wait, brother!" he slammed the butt of his scepter into the ground, erupting into a pillar of green light.

"LOKI!" Thor bellowed and lunged for him, but Loki was already gone.

Thor and Nova stared at the spot he'd been.

"Well..." the teen commented, "That could've gone worse."

Thor didn't seem as positive. "Loki is a troubled one. Be warned young Midgardian, he will not stop until he's had his revenge."

Sam shrugged, "Yeah, well, he can get in line like everyone else."

The Prince of Asgard regarded him with an amused look, "You have much courage." he complimented, "It is wonderful to see Midgards youth so spirited," The two were quiet for a moment as Thor examined the damage. "Hmm, last time we met you had one other member. Tell me, where is the Man of Spiders?"

Sam's eyes widened, "OH SHOOT!" he cursed and flew into the air and back toward the building. Inside, Luke, Ava, and Danny were already digging through the debris shouting for Spider-Man. Sam landed next to them to help pull off mortar and bricks.

"Spidey? _Spidey_?"

Thor followed them inside. "Is the Man of Spider's injured?"

"He's in here's somewhere." Luke gestured to the mountain of demolished wall.

Thor's eyes narrowed and he brought up his hammer, twirling it with the attached band clutched in his hand, "Stand back." he ordered as the wind strengthened around him and clouds darkened in the sky.

The teens shared a look, before scrambling out of the way.

The hammer whirled until till it was a blur, storm wind furrowing around them, a few bricks nearby shuddered. But a millisecond before Thor let go, there was a sudden violent jerk on his cape, which made him jolt and send his hammer flying out of the building and high up into the sky where it disappeared into the atmosphere.

"By Odin's beard, who just-" he whirled around to confront his assaulter, only to be surprised with empty air. "What?"

There was another jerk on his cape and looked down.

A little boy, barely reaching the height of Thor's knee, was staring up at him. He was wearing a Spider-Man costume and was clutching the red fabric of Thor's cape in his chubby hands. The two stared at each other.

"Are you Superman?"

Thor blinked. "What?"

"Are you Superman? You have his cape."

The teens hiding behind an upturned table peaked out from their hiding spot and their eyes nearly bulged out of their heads at the sight before them.

"Uh, no, I am not this Super-Man. I am Thor, Prince and Heir of Asgard." The thunder god softly knelt down to the boys level. "And what might your name be, tiny Earthling, and why are you dressed like the Man of Spiders?"

The little boy looked down at the costume and shrugged like he wasn't sure, and pulled the mask off. A fluffy mop of brown hair fell over a pair of big blue eyes as the kid smiled up at him. "Umm, I'm Peter Parker. I like spiders, but I don't know why I'm dressed like one. Do you know where my Uncle Ben is?"

Thor shook his head, "I'm afraid not. But perhaps they can help you," he pointed to the Ultimates, who were gaping down at Peter in a stunned silence.

"They're dressed funny."

"Aye," Thor agreed, and frowned slightly. "Midgardian delinquents, whilst thou help this young boy?" His frown deepened when he got no answer. "Is something wrong."

Little Peter stared up at them with wide innocent eyes and gave a shy smile.

"Hi," he waved.

Luke, Ava, Danny, and Sam numbly waved back.

**Author's Note:**

> I never intended this to have a sequel or follow-up, but you never really know. Right now I have no intention of adding on to it, but I hope you enjoyed the shenanigans of these 5. I love them dearly.


End file.
